Two hours ago this phrase was rattling around in my head as I reflected on how unfit I was and how far I'd fallen since last I'd made "A run at the title". The title? Yes its just a Shenton Park boys way of saying that one is going to try and achieve something good, something big, something worth living for...(An ideal for living?) here I am again on the floor amongst the dust, the boxes and the daddy long-legs spiders. I'm unfit, overweight and broken-hearted. But I'm on the floor and doing abdominal crunches. I'm on the long road back. Gets me to thinking about the nature of victory and defeat. How it feels as though we are always cycling out of one and into the other. Yet I imagined when I dragged myself out of the gutter years ago that victory would be permanent. That I would be awarded some sort of endowment befitting the achievement. Mayhaps a throne to sit upon and long weekends in wan lamplight telling tales of victories and adventures ---but I see it doesn’t work like that and there is no end in sight and I’ve been knocked out, got up, back down again several times since I first took my run. So that I begin to get it now as I work through a beginners fitness program (so mild that it wouldn’t have raised my heart beat above 80 three years ago) I'm on the long road back and whilst it's disappointing that I'm having to fight the same fights I thought I'd already won, passed and defeated forever, I do take pride --alone in the humidity dank dreamless Melbourne summer, so wet it forgets itself and knows of no season but the one tomorrow and there is no tomorrow and tomorrow: birth, death, fall, stand, hope, loss blow the top off a mountain --lava rebuilds it or something new entirely and what I'm trying for here is that I get it now. There is no final victory but renewed struggle and if anything just a brief pause to look back and reflect then gird up and sally forth for there will surely be another battle with self... just beyond our vision, in the quiet gloom ahead.
Listening to: Jaan Pehechan Ho - Muhammad Rafi
1 comment:
Your words give me hope. Thankyou.
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